Welcome to my head...
Welcome to my heart...
The two are always arguing.
This is where I tell them to grow up, talk it out, and if they still can't reach a consensus; shut the hell up!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
archives - MYSPACE
June 2, 2008 - Monday
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Life
Do you remember the moment when you realized that you were a grown up, an adult in an adult world with no possibility of ever being a child again? (Please do understand that I am not speaking of childlike wonder, which is something that you should never lose, I am speaking of being an actual child.) I remember when the moment came for me. It was when I stood in the hallway at 'the clinic' waiting to have my first ultrasound - pregnant and alone. I will never forget the feeling. The world suddenly terribly bright with harsh white light, it was cold, and everything felt unbearably loud yet muffled, the world was tilted. I remember thinking, this must be what it feels like to be born. I felt like I was being born a second time, the first time as a child, the second as an adult.
From the time I was born as an adult there has never been a moment when I have thought going back was possible, it would have been more possible to have refit into my mother's womb than to go back to girlhood. I have grown, not gradually, but in sudden, unexpected and often unasked for leaps ever since. I still dance, twirl, spin, sing, laugh out loud, but at the same time I try to never lose sight of my responsibilities, my obligations, or my duties. I know the place I hold in the lives of people I love, and I strive everyday to be the person that they deserve me to be. I don't change who I am to suit anyone, but I do try to meet needs as I am able, to be the best me for them that I can.
One of the hardest parts of being an adult is knowing that ultimately the buck stops with you. You can't blame your bad decisions on someone else or expect someone to come running to your rescue. I look to others for help or support, but I know that decisions are mine to make, and taking care of me is my job. Giving in to group mentality, neglect, shirking, and drifting are not viable options in my grown up world. And honestly, sometimes being an adult sucks. I want someone to come in and take care of me, be a superhero that will hold me in their arms while they soar far and away from the trials at hand, my own personal Superman. Sometimes I want someone to tell me what to do, then when it all goes to hell in the proverbial hand basket I can point to them and say "it was all their fault, not mine." But in my more sensible moments I know this isn't what I really want, I have known too many people just like that and they end up being takers. Beware of takers.
The last two going on three weeks have been rough for me. It is something that is personal and I don't want to go into it, at least not yet. But I have looked for support and found it in some, and found it painfully lacking in others. There were people that failed me, and they did this by being a child when they should have been an adult. Where responsibility, accountability, duty and loyalty are adult traits, self centeredness, obliviousness, narcissism and negligence are child traits. Those are the very traits that we as good parents seek to grow our children out of so they will grow up to be functioning adults. But I have to say thank you to these same people who let me down, because they taught me another valuable adult lesson, that I am strong enough to stand without props. Thank you to all of the people who have been there for me, and thank you to the people who knowingly haven't. I will never forget either of you.
After locking myself up in my house for most of the weekend, I thought it wouldn't hurt to actually go out into society. After much thought I decided to join the trendy coffee shop scene. Coffee shops are a good way to meet people, right? Most of this adventure was want of coffee though. Usually the few who hang out there are glued to their laptops. Since I lack one, I figured a book would do. After braving the cold walk to Sven's, I got my coffee and sat down to the intriguing pages of my newest book. This really wasn't that bad, I was almost enjoying this. No one is really acknowledging each other, except a cute older couple. Their hands embedded in the other. Their eyes light up, probably the same as the first day they met. A smile automatically appears on my face. Elderly couples always make me smile. I dig back into my book, sipping my coffee carefully. I'm actually tolerant of the trendy music and clicking of keyboards. I stop for a second to fix my glasses that have been sliding down my nose for a while now. The glance back up makes me wish I wouldn't have. A familiar face, an ex, it's been more than three years now since the last time I saw him. A part of me tries to hide behind my book, while the other part urges me to run. It's too late, he already saw me. This is why I don't go out. Awkwardness overpasses me as he walks over. He looks thinner. His hair grown out, darker than I remember, and skin tanner. I force a smile and say hi. They always seem to do that, almost attempting to flaunt how much better they are without you. He gives me that smile that attracted me to him in the first place. Part of me tries not to swoon. He says something to the effect that I look good. I laugh to myself and say thanks. I know he's just saying that for lack of anything else to say. I'm wearing the obnoxious sweat shirt that my son and I fight over and tattered jeans, about 4 sizes too big. My hair faded back to it's natural state and my heavy black rimmed glasses slipping down my nose yet again - misplaced the cute, light, Burberry pair, so... 'wee-oooh, I look just like Buddy Holly'.......
I start small talk, when a bouncy blond slips in between us. She's short, tan, and wearing a brand new UWM shirt, fold creases still in place. Her long, blond hair slicked back into a ponytail. She obnoxiously introduces herself as Jenny or Jamie, his girlfriend of course. Almost hawk-like claiming what is rightfully hers. I sarcastically ask if she is enjoying starting school. Since she doesn't get my sense of humor, she proudly boasts of how great college is. I laugh to myself, yet again. She looks about 18 or 19. So innocent, fresh-faced and full of hope. I sigh and look at him as she yack's on about how great this experience is and how awesome the teachers are. I wonder if she knows how old he actually is. What the hell is he doing with her? She is everything he told me he once hated. She is the complete opposite of me. Young, dumb, and perky. He notices me not paying attention to her and they thankfully excuse themselves to nearby seats. I leave Sven's briefly after this and power walk my way back to my house. I don't get it. I feel like I just stumbled out of the twilight zone. I've heard of guys doing this, the infamous trade in for a newer model, I guess this was the first time I have actually seen it. I walk back home vowing to never leave my house in such a state again, and determined to find my 'good' glasses. Next time I'll just run...
You know, for a microscopic organism that isn't even able to replicate its own friggin DNA, viruses sure can get the best of us "higher order mammals."
Little bastards.
And apparently, they've been in cahoots with karma to have a chuckle at my *sniff* *sneeze* *cough* --oh, excuse me---expense.
See, I've always been rather proud of my prowess at keeping healthy. Over the past decade or so, I've really not gotten sick. Sure, sure, I might get a cold, sniffle for a few days and then move on. No biggie for me, I could still perform all necessary duties while daintily dabbing at the nose with a tissue occasionally. I think it was just to keep me a little humble and sympathetic to those who always seem to be fighting some thing and whose children were the ones with the constant snot-trickle on their upper lip and passed it around the family.
And my daughter? Well, there I was proud as a mother hen. She didn't get sick at all until she was nine months old. She, like her amazingly resilient mother, would get a sniffle once a season and that was it, really. She's so healthy. My awesome healthy cooking and lightning-fast quickdraw with the hand sanitizer helped, I'm sure. When she first started school, she had a couple of back-to-back colds that became sinus infections, but that'll happen to any kid who has been home all their life before suddenly being thrust into a classroom full of walking germ factories--uh, adorable little ones that don't ever wash their hands.
No, no. We're a healthy family. Strong Norwegians -Vikings, right? My family didn't get sick; they couldn't. Stopping work for a sniffle was not allowed; it was a badge of honor to keep working even though your head felt like exploding in a burst of snot and your muscles just wanted to mold themselves into a little tiny ball on the nearest soft surface. Get sick? No, that's for the weak people.
But this year? What the fuck?
I knew right from the start it would be bad. I took a day off work. Then another. I was all verklempt. That just doesn't happen; the Big Billionaire-Cheersquad simply doesn't do days off, there's too much work to be done in order to keep the billionaires in their billions. But I did. I stayed home and slept all day. I never do that, I'm the kind of girl who won't even sit long enough to watch one NASCAR lap. I knew then: This would be bad.
Ian had his flu shot, as had the girl, but not I. No, I was planning on earning some cash by submitting myself to injections unknown in a flu shot study. But, then I forgot to actually go sign up for it and then I just kept forgetting to ask my dr. for a shot while we were trying to decide if the headache was a brain tumor, aneurysm or just that I really didn't want to have sex with Jeff.... For, let's see, yep, three months..... (The headache, not the sex. That was a joke. Moving on. )
Unfortunately, this year someone miscalculated exactly which flu strains were going to migrate over to the Midwest from the East, where the influenza factories are, disguised as poor people living in squalor with their pigs and chickens.
So, we got the flu.
Okay, we can handle--ugh--the--oh, god, kill me now--flu--achoo! But then the flu turned into a sinus infection for moi. (Ian, was done after sleeping for 4 days straight. No aftershocks for him). I had snot coming out of my eyes it was so bad. Liss thought it was funny; she said her head felt cloudy and her ear felt "really really big, Momma". Antibiotics it is. I hate antibiotics; they've been so overprescribed and improperly used for the last 40 years that now we have to take SuperAntiBios in order to counter the SuperResistantBugs. Everything microscopic within ten feet of us is dead. Don't even ask how my digestive system is doing right now. But, the snot cleared out.
To make way for a cold. Dammit! More snot and tiredness! Making gallons of tea and chicken soup. Drugging myself with Benadryl so I can sleep and maybe the snot won't re-invade my eustachian tube and set up another bacteria-party.
Then, whew, we're okay. For the last few days we've been eating real food and everyone's going to school, Momma's walking the dog and getting back in shape and getting things done and then--WHAM!!!!---I wake up this morning with....wait for it.....another fucking cold. Me, being a socially responsible virus nazi, am trying my damndest to not breath on anyone and I've swapped out the hand towels in both bathrooms with paper towels instead - at least until I'm 'well'.
So, is it Karma, punishing me for being cocky about never getting sick? Is it because I've been maybe a teensy bit lax in my exercise regime and eating habits? I mean really, does sitting on one's arse eating Triscuits all day really make it easier for the viruses to wreak havoc? Should I really not let my daughter play with the girl next door, who unfortunately has enough filthy family members that something is always infecting them?
Man I'm tired. This has been a big effort, all this typing. I'm going to go curl up on the couch and watch something brainless...hm....is there anything that fits that bill on during this time of night?
I hope you're doing well, wash your hands frequently and take your vitamins, okay?
I know I did a borderline bitter blog the other day. But apparently I didn't get it out of my system, because it's still bugging me. I would like to blame all this irritation on PMS, but that was 2 weeks ago.
This just proves to me that these particular irritations are valid.
a) I'm sick of the damned captcha's. I can't send a message, post a comment, or update my fucking profile page without having to pick through the twisted letters of a stupid captcha. I know, Tom. It sounded good at the time.
Eat me.
b) I'm about to give you the best piece of advice you'll ever get. Grab a pencil and some paper because you're going to want to remember this one. I hope you're sitting down.
THIS IS GOING TO BE EPIC. (cue echoing announcer voice)
Dorothy was right. If you can't find what you're looking for in your own backyard, you never really lost it to begin with.
I know you're sitting there thinking, "This doesn't apply to me." Yes hell it does. That thing you're looking for? That one thing that you want, that will make you happy for the rest of your life? It's right under your damned nose.
It's sitting right there and it's laughing at you because it's so obvious, yet you can't see it.
Stop looking so hard. Stop looking in the wrong places. It's right there.
For the first 30 some years of my life, I constantly made the wrong decisions, made bad choices, and got my heart broken more times than a human should have to endure.
It took me a long time and monumental heartbreak to finally realize why.
I was looking for something that would make me complete, and I was looking in all the wrong places. I tried to change who I was in order to figure out if this or that was what I wanted.
It didn't work.
All I ever needed was right in front of me, I just had to open my eyes.
I'm actually not bitter most days. I just have an extremely low tolerance for bullshit, and I don't have patience for people that waste my time. Jason says this makes me seem a bit unapproachable. I understand this.
The fact is, that's kind of the effect I was going for.
I'm not crazy.
I am a woman who knows who she is and what she is worth. I have no delusions about this. I am emotional and heartless at the same time. I love and I hate. I laugh and I cry. I give respect where it is deserved and second chances when they are not.
I have been through quite a bit in the last few years, experiences that have made me grow up a bit.
I've lost all sympathy for people who refuse to do anything about a bad situation that they are in. I will be more than happy to give you my opinion, or advice, you can choose what to do with it. If you choose to ignore it, don't continue to whine to me about it.
I get called a bitch quite often. What I do NOT get called is pushover, stupid, sweetheart, dear, or doormat. Works for me.
Don't try to make me feel guilty for the decisions I have made in my life. They were my decisions to make. If you think I'm a bitch, that's ok..... I will still sleep tonight.
OK, taking a break from packing. The clock's been ticking a little quicker lately - never enough time. Things are progressing rather well here. Movers scheduled for Saturday morning. They don't work cheap, boy - but the peace of mind in knowing that they'll BE HERE, I won't be scrambling or begging for help at the last minute.
I don't plan to lift a finger when they pull up. I may carry a few precious boxes to my truck, but for what they're charging I feel intitled to just sit back and sip my latte.
Jeff was removed from the house yesterday via court order/restraining order. After several weeks of stressing about how I was going to get him out, I decided to seek some help/advice. I went to a local shelter here in town and met with an advocate -
Ursulla, what a gem of a woman. She listened, she understood, she helped. She helped me fill out the forms, and held my hand as we walked into the court room. I was a little peaved by the fact that my narrative, my desription of the circumstances, the details, in my words - didn't/couldn't include all the controlling, fraudelent, belittling, sneaky, manipulative, self-serving things Jeff has done. Ursella listened, yes - she even looked at all my documentation - but the court's only concern is PHYSICAL ABUSE. Yes, there has been some - I won't deny it - But, all the other stuff..... the way my children have been treated - banished to their bedrooms, ISOLATED. The locks on the kitchen cabinets. Telling me when to go to bed. The tantrums and the theats when I didn't listen. Having himself added to my bank account, memorizing my credit card numbers, setting up a Paypall account with MY info - STEALING. The car title - FRAUD. Locking me out of my own house -then laughing, BOASTING, & bragging about it to a mutual business acquaintance. The constant money filters - his cars, stereo crap, rims, POT. Telling me to go to the food pantry to feed my kids- no food in the house, but he has pot! ABUSE is so much more than the physical.
Ursella understood. However, she felt it best to just be clear and to the point - he is dangerous - I am in imminent danger. period.
Jeff had absolutely NO idea this was coming. He was served at the house, and escorted out - the kids and I watched from the safety of my locked truck, parked down the block. He pulled out and headed right toward us - we ducked WAY down - I'm sure he knew we were there, and I don't care. I didn't want him to have even one last glare at my children.
I, unfortunately, will have to face the glare again, in court, on Tuesday. I'm terrified, and I'm less than thrilled about having to come BACK to this town that has been so cruel to me. Ursella will be there - and my cousin, Meg - she lived with us for a while over the summer - she saw it. She also lived it - the controlled environment. Jeff's world, we're all just living in it. (I'm sorry, Meg.)
When the kids and I walked into the house last night.... WOW! They were so happy. Everything seemed different to me. Brighter. The kids felt it too, they commented - even the dog's tails were wagging a little more than usual.
My neighbor came over to offer up his support and to check all my locks -brought two of his kids - the kids were all running around, playing on the stairs, LAUGHING. I don't think I've ever heard laughing in this house before, not like that. I can see the relief in my kid's eyes, I can hear it in their voices - they're actually speaking loud and proud today, not the timid whispers I've come to know over the years. The fog has finaly lifted. They get to use the computer and the phone, they can sit on the couch and watch the big TV, and they can open the fridge or the cabinets whenever they want - and today there's actually something to good to eat in there.
I'm feeling good. Yeah, I may be jobless - the panic of not having a job hasn't set in yet - I'm sure it will, but I'll deal with it as it comes - after I take a week to myself to get my head on straight. I'll find another job - and not in the insurance industry, if I can avoid it. I'd be happy to never lay eyes on Jeff, or my former employer, Mr. Anderson, EVER AGAIN. They've both taken advantage and belittled me long enough.
Mom says I shouldn't let all my education and experience just go to waste, but I really just HATE the job - and I don't think it makes a difference WHERE or WHO I'm working for - the customers are still the same - it's in no way fulfilling, the stress level and the pressure are both very high, and the salary sucks.
So, on to a new beginning. I look forward to all of it - BRING IT ON! I know it's not going to be easy - re-establishing myself.... But I KNOW no matter how hard it might get, it will without a doubt, be better than what I've been through these last 3 and a half years..... There WILL, afterall, be laughter in my house again.
Met with the bosses yesterday. Was open and honest - put my cards on the table. They know I will be leaving Green Bay as soon as possible - and no, I do not have a job to come back to. They said that they will make certain that Jeff is not made aware of anything, and as soon as they know I'm safe they intend to cease all contracts with him.
I was a little upset - I mean, I have been with the company going on eight years - but then I got my W-2... I never really knew exactly how much money I was making before taxes, or year-to-date, because I DO NOT get check stubs. When I saw how little I worked my ass off for this last year, I realized that this is really for the best. I've been seriously taken advanage of.
Office manager, CSR, receptionist, accountant, supply whore, marketing coordinator, bank runner, housekeeping - all rolled in to one - and for less than $30K. I've been a bargain basement employee - The pitiful raise I was given when James left just barely covered my gas to/from the bank twice a week.
So, it's time to move on. Finding and apartment first, then on to my job search. I attempted to complete some applications on line last night, but with asshole over my shoulder.... I'm staying with mom and dad this weekend, going to look at as many apartments as I can - hoping to find a duplex that will allow dogs. I've got enough cash stashed right now to put a deposit down on something - then it's onto the issue of getting him out of town for a while so I can get out. THIS, for some reason, is what I'm fretting over the most - I want him far far away when I have the u-haul in front of the house. My mom suggested calling him and pretending to be some franchise owner looking for insurance way outa town, schedule a meeting and send him on a wild goose chase. He was supposed to travel a lot with this job, but so far he's only gone out of town once, over night.
I'm trying to stay strong - I know this is all for the best. I've never been very good at dealing with the unknown. I'm the sorta person that wakes up in the morning and maps out their entire day from start to finsih. My anxiety is at an all time high right now - I'm a ball of nerves. And the 'making nice', smiling and pretending to be impressed by the car lift kits and hydraulics he's puting on the '75 POS is absolutely killing me. I want to scream at him, tell him exactly what I think of him - but I don't.
I can't wait to be back in the southern part of the state. I can't wait to be near my friends again - Jason, Diana, Amy, Kevin, J, Kate - soon! Not soon enough though.
(copied and pasted a message I wrote to a dear friend - for the sake of time and keystrokes - so, Nate - you can skip reading this one.... )
I've had my fill.... of Jeff, that is.
It's HIS world and we're all just living in it - my kids & I. He's on his third job in three years... of course, he's discontent - always is. Recently, he contacted my boss and asked to come back to work here, in my office - I have voiced my opinion on the matter more times than I can count... he bailed, without warning, without notice, two years ago, left me holding the ball... WHY in the world the boss would even consider it, I dunno.
The boss calls and advises me that Jeff's being contracted to sell business through my office on an 'outside sales' basis - I was upset, I was furious actually - BUT, the boss is.... well, the boss.
THEN, the VERY NEXT DAY... the boss calls and said he was contacted by another one of our agents here in town, a 'friend' of Jeff's - the guy was concerned about something he'd heard, and felt it necessary to bring it to the bosses attention.... Jeff and I had an argument a few weeks back... I, in an attempt to avoid fighting, LEFT, for a few hours - when I returned he'd changed the locks on the house and disconnected the garage door opener - I had to call him, BEG HIM/KISS UP to get back in the door - MY OWN HOUSE, mind you. Apparently, Jeff thought this was really funny - he was 'bragging and boasting' about it to this guy.
I advised the boss that YES, this DID IN FACT happen. FINALLY, the boss understands WHY I need seperation from my work/home life - this office has become my sanctuary, the only thing in my life that Jeff can't touch. The boss didn't mention it to Jeff, and neither did I - but, he revised their contract, and now Jeff's writing business through our home office, in New Berlin. Jeff got the revision from the boss along with instructions to NOT utilize me/my office/my resources in any way, as the GB office & the New Berlin office are two seperate entitieis - furthermore, the boss said DO NOT confront Jessica with this. Jeff was pissed - and wanted to know what I had to do with it. I played dumb.
Jeff has a sales management position at another company, totally unrelated to insurance - they pay him a VERY good salary. He's turned our bedroom, with MY computer, into his insurance office... He's at his regular job, maybe 30% of the 40 hour work week - he leaves, goes out on appointments, that they think are potential leads, but he's actually on insurance appointments. He took all last week off, told them that his dad had a stroke - he didn't work ONE single hour, but collected his whole salary. This, to me, is so completely unethical - but I don't preach.
The last and final straw came three nights ago... I was puting up the the x-mas tree, my daughter and I - Jeff, of course, was too busy smoking pot in our bedroom to participate - we got the lights on, and took a break to have dinner... I had a glass of wine with dinner... three hours later - dinner dishes done, Lissa and I had gotten the tree done, I'd tucked the kids in bed, put laundry away, and was about to sit down and call it a night... went to pour myself another glass of wine. He immediately jumped on me - how I know how he feels about drinking and yet, I continue to drink despite his feelings. I put the wine back, and just let it alone... didn't even bring up the pot issue - again, attempting to avoid a fight - he knows how I feel about it, yet he continues to buy/smoke the sh** in my house. I was pretty upset - I'm a grown woman for heavens sake! I have an anxiety disorder - I see my doctor on a regular basis, and have a prescription for xanax. Being that I was upset, and pretty worked up, feeling very belittled, I decided to take one, calm down.... again, he jumped on me -'pop some more pills, Jess' - he grabbed the bottle from my hands, went to the bathroom, and flushed them down the toliet - I'd just gotten a refill THAT day - so an entire months worth of a medication that I'm PRESCIBED, GONE - (he also dumped an entire months worth of Adderal - see prior blog related to that.)
I realized then... the double standard - the conditions that he imposes upon ME, yet he's free to do as he pleases.
That, combined with my truck title issue... dunno if I told everyone about that... in the midst of another argument, months back, I was trying to leave... he says, 'go ahead, leave - but you'll be arrested for driving a stolen vehicle'... He advised that although I have the loan on the truck, and I pay the car note each month, I have no title or ownership rights to that vehicle... WTF, right??? I went down to the DMV with the original title application from the day I purchased the truck - the title app the DMV received was NOT the one I signed at the point of sale - he went to the dealership the next day and SOMEHOW had a new title app drafted in just HIS NAME. I had to get a dealer fraud investigtor involved - the dealer said he had no idea how or why it happened, but in the end I DID get it taken care of - I now have a title with my name on it. Jeff has NO idea - so, I still hear the 'possesion of a stolen vehicle' BS - heehee.
I've scheduled a face-to-face meeting with my boss for next week Friday. I'm giving him notice that I am leaving my position here in this office - I'm leaving Green Bay, and moving in with my parents for a while. I'll do whatever I need to do to transition someone else in - help with interviewing, whatever... but, by January 31st, I will be out of here. I was told when I came up here, with Jeff, that if things didn't work out, I'd always have a job to come back to at the home office. Over the summer, before the kids went back to school - I contacted the boss and told him I wanted to come home, and I wanted to do it before the start of a new school year - He said that they were fully staffed, had just hired a new girl, and maybe Jeff and I should seek counseling. We did. He made an appointment with MY doctor, and I went with him - he was prescribed Depakote for bipolar disorder. He took the meds for about a month - now he says he doesn't need them, pot is his medicine.
I'm praying that the boss accepts me back at the home office - I don't want to be unemployed, and with the situation being what it is, I wouldn't qualify for unemployment benefits - but it's a chance I'm willing to take. Jeff's crying and begging to work things out, but I just can't. For now, the kids go to Milwaukee, or friends houses on the weekends, and I stay here in the office, or stay in motels. I've moved downstairs in the house, taken up residence in the family room until I move. Jeff can have the house, I don't care anymore - chances are, he'll also end up back here in this office, in my position - he's been trying to get his foot back in the door for months, and the only thing preventing that, is ME. So, in the end - he gets the house, the job - he's not losing a thing. I, on the other hand, am starting all over.... part of me is scared to death, but I'm confident that I'm doing the right thing, no matter how hard it seems. Pray for me.
Currently listening:
Alright, Still By Lily Allen
Release date: 30 January, 2007
bitchy
embarrassed
crappy
moody
confident 
determined
) 
bored 
annoyed 
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