Have you ever met someone who you thought was every single thing you were looking for? A person who right off the bat "got" you and you "got" them?
There is a person in my life like this. From the moment I met them I knew that we were supposed to be friends. I knew that I had made a life long friend... someone I could always depend on.
Someone who could always depend on me.
I waited for him for thirteen years... I just didn't know at the time I was waiting.
I knew his relationship would never last. I'd make him laugh. I'd make him smile. Giving advice. Listening to him bitch about her. I was careful not to say too many harsh things about her to him. I even defended her at times. All the time I was just biding my time. Even when I was trying so desperately to hold my relationship with the ex together I was still waiting on him.... I just didn't know at the time I was waiting.
I gave up a few times. It was easy. He was a jackass. I missed him, but I didn't. I always knew we would find our way back to each other. During these times, I went on with my life as if he hadn't even been there... I just didn't know at the time I was waiting.
Eventually their relationship ended, with her funeral. Selfish #itch. She chose to end her life, she made that decision. Perhaps I am that horrible person he says I am, but he wasn't exactly mourning her death either.
Honestly, it was like I had been holding my breath. I finally could breath. I knew if we just gave it the chance, buried all the heartache and torment right along with her, we could finally be everything to each other. That's when I realized I had been waiting.
Except now, I've found that every thing I thought I knew about this person is a lie. The person they show me is not the real person they are. They are deceptive and manipulative and perhaps a little bit cruel. They like to play games and #uck with people's minds. They aren't the person I thought they were at all.
Now the problem the I have is how do I figure out if I've lost all sense of judgment, or if this person is just that good at being whoever they need to be depending on who is around.
My confidence in myself is shattered and it wasn't all that great to begin with.
Doesn't help at all that I love him.
He tells me he loves me but that love just isn't enough. I always thought that I had enough love for both of us. If I just loved him enough. If I was just good enough. If I just held on long enough.
He talks to me about the reality of our situation - the kids, the damage already done. He makes excuses. He says he loves me. He tells me all the reasons why we failed. Why he wasn't good enough. Why I wasn't good enough. I think to myself that I just need to remain calm. Don't fly off the handle. Don't give him the tears and the yelling he is expecting. If I just hold on he will change his mind.
He wishes things were different. He says he loves me. He's sorry but he can't put himself through this anymore. He tells me all the places we went wrong. All the ways that prove he has made the right decision.
I think to myself about all the good that was between us. I wonder how he can't remember any of that.
He has someone new... actually, something new with someone from the past.... He has shared things with her... things I've only shared with HIM.
I yell at myself in my head, "Remain calm!" Just hang on. He loves me right?
Slowly the words start to sink in. He keeps telling me he loves me but... There is no but after "I love you". You love someone or you don't. You give yourself to someone with your whole heart. You trust them. You love them. You share your fears, your hopes, your dreams, and even the ugliest parts you keep hidden deep down inside you.
I start to cry. He brushes my bangs back from my forehead and wipes my tears. I want to slap him. He says he loves me. I call him a liar. If he loved me, truly loved me, he wouldn't be doing this. He gave up. He always promised he would never give up on me. On us. He lied.
He kisses me softly on the lips. Just a breath of a kiss. He takes me by the hand and leads me to the bedroom. Silently, in the dark, I allow him to undress me. He lays beside me on the bed and explores my body like he is trying to burn the images into his brain. He whispers over and over that he loves me. In the morning he kisses me on the forehead, and walks out...
My calls, go unanswered - my texts, no response. How do people just cut other people out of their lives? I wish I knew. I don't understand how one day someone can be an integral part of your life and the next you don't even have the time of day for them. I reached out to him and he ignored me. I needed him, and he wasn't there.
This... fucking... hurts... more... than... I... can... describe.
I've finally realized that anything we ever had is really over.
We are no longer lovers and now we aren't even friends.
I'm waiting for this hurt to stop, but I'm no longer waiting on him...
