You wouldn’t guess it, knowing me and my tendencies to ignite little fires but quite honestly, I hate rocking the boat. As a matter of fact, I despise *all* rocking, which is probably why I have such an aversion to Ferris Wheels…you know, years and years of stupid young boys swinging the carts to and fro until I felt as if I’d surely die of a heart attack at age 16. Uh huh, stuff like that. It’s not that I am afraid of my feelings or anyone else’s feelings for that matter. It’s more that I’ve always had a bit of that easy-going yet people pleasing nature and rather than just putting my foot down and saying what I need to say, I’ll often mutter a “yeah, uh huh, sure…well maybe I will do that” when in all likelihood, I won’t fucking “do that”.
I also tend to change my mind quite a bit, which sorta sucks if you’re on the other end of it. I have no idea why I am vehemently against something one moment then droning on and on about how freaking rad it is the next. I don’t understand what it is that makes my little voice agree to plans months in advance when I know that I am the type of person who abhors having her life mapped out like that. Of course, I realize now that this non-committal side of me probably is one of the things I need to work on, but whatever, this is me and how I roll.
Yes I just said “how I roll”. Please shoot me, thanks.
Anyhow, one of the changes that I really want to make is to be more bold and in charge when deciding what are good plans *for me*. I have got to stop worrying about whether or not I am going to make someone mad and/or hurt their feelings if I don’t want to do something. It’s amusing that I am painting this picture of me as a cowering milquetoast but that’s not really it at all. I guess that I hate to disappoint people but you know what? No matter what I do, that’s going to happen. It’s just a part of life and I have to learn to live with it. REAL friends may get upset about the things I do or say but in the end, if we’re actually close, the little things like me not wanting to come to your kids damned soccer game? Yeah, not gonna matter.
There’s a way to be more assertive without being as much of a bitch. In fact, I think that it might actually be less snatchy of me to just say what the fuck I am feeling rather than dragging it out until I get so frustrated that I just fucking dump your ass in a pile of rubble and never look back. Ahem, you know…as if I were the type of person to ever do that.
I have no idea why I am bringing this up other than the fact that it’s on my mind. Life has just not been working for me.…with the way I’ve been doing things. I’d like to avoid being the poster child for the definition of “insanity” and maybe step out of my little comfort bubble. I’d like to not worry about whether or not you think something is stupid while raising my hand and declaring, “Hey, wait a minute…I like that!”. I’d like to be able to say up front, “You know, I am not really into the rodeo all that much but if you’d like to spend time together, let’s find something we both enjoy doing.” I’d really like to be the person that says to you, “No actually, I don’t understand and it’s definitely not okay” rather than being the nice girl who is always understanding of everyone else’s feelings.
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