Now nothing has happened but I have been taking a hard (and sometimes amusing) look at some of those flaws that I *know* others see in me, either because they’ve told me or because I recognize them so deeply that others totally have to as well. This isn’t about putting myself down, rather about lifting myself up. My life is in need of overhaul and in order to reclaim some of that lost and despaired soul I mentioned in previous posts, I need to find things that I can control and open my eyes to my flaws. Will I change some of these things? Sure. Will I change all of these things? Probably not. I don’t want to sound like a total snotface but some of these things are “just the way I am” and either you love me or you leave me. In any case, here we go with…
REASONS IT IS DIFFICULT TO BE FRIENDS WITH JESS
What Would You Like To Do First?: It’s not a matter of what I like to do, it’s a matter of when I like to do it. I’m not kidding you (and this is the biggest reason that it is hard to be friends with me)…I totally have these mood swings where one week something will be fun and the next week I’ll be like, “yeah, lame”. I hate making plans in advance because I never feel like doing them the day of the actual plans and uh, when I’m done? I am totally done. I will say that moving back to Milwaukee, where I have lots of local friends, has really snapped me out of the last minute cancellations. I make every effort to do the things that I’ve said I am going to do, mostly because a.) it’s so rude not to and b.) I really need to stop doing things the old way if I want to be happier in my life. But still, I’m usually the first one to be like, “Yeah so I’m ready to go home now…goodnight!”. Sometimes I’m in the mood for people and sometimes I am not…I think that is what it all boils down to. Unfortunately, if I want to keep my friends, I really am going to have to work harder at this one.
Likes You, Likes You Not: Chief and I were engrossed in some random conversation where he was trying to tell me something about this girl we both know. He could not remember her name, so he turned to me and said, “You know that girl… you two never liked each other.!“. Almost immediately, my reply, “Well shit, that could be anybody!”. It’s totally true. A lot of people dislike me. I don’t go around the world sticking my tongue out at people while my heart does the cabbage patch dance of hatred. No, I just make a bad first impression, I guess. Some people just don’t really “like like” me all that much. The worst part about it is, everyone is friends with everyone... only a select few are friends with me. It’s really hard to be friends with someone who's possee dislikes you. Luckily, I generally only bring up my disdain once (maybe twice) then let it go. Bleh, gag, what-ever. I’m not saying that I am above it all. I don’t want to be that girl…you know, the one putting your friends down. That girl is an asshole.
“Apparently I’m Not That Important Anymore”: This one is quite simple…if someone acts all passive-agressive towards me? I ignore it completely. Don’t think I’ve not noticed your shenanigans, Krafty. I totally have, and chances are that your crap has made me roll my eyes more than once or twice. I know that I should be a better person and just ask you if something is wrong or try to pry your angst out of you but you know what? Fuck that. If you are an adult and you have something to say to me? Just say it. I won’t answer passive-aggressive emails, texts or FB posts. More precisely, I won’t bite.
"I'd Like To Conversate With You.": Everyone that knows me already knows that I have a low tolerance for vacuity. But you know what else I hate? Wait for it….not yet….ok, here comes the hypocrisy…..really "supposed" smart people. I find people that are steeped in pseudo-intelligentsia to be just as loathsome, if not more so than the dee-dee-dee ones. That probably has to do with the fact that most of the "intelligentsia" are trying too damned hard to be something that they may or may not be. Now, lest ye be confused….I love people who are quick witted and have a large vocabulary that they know how and when to use. I find sarcasm and good grammar to be turn-ons (what am I now, a playboy bunny?)……but that is natural intelligence. Hell, Chief uses big words all of the time, but that is just who he is and those are the words that he knows so I think nothing of it generally. But I know that some of you are like right here with me and know the type of which I speak….those heinous people who tend to over-analyze and over-pontificate every single sentence or phrase that they write down or speak. It’s the man-boy that sends you a five paragraph email when a sentence would have sufficed, just so that he could throw some pithy phrases in there that were unnecessary. It’s not making you look any smarter; it’s just making you look like you're trying to be something that you are not to be honest.
Major Upset!: I tend to get upset over the weirdest shit and will hold onto it like a rabid dog. My world could come crashing down around me resulting in actual tragedies and I would calmly deal with each step, fixing what I could and letting the rest go. I’d never get angry and I’d never lash out…I’d keep my version of zen and totally just let it go. Some things are just too big to worry over. HOWEVER, you never know what stupid piece of nothing is going to set me off.
Like lately, it’s been Twitter. Can I just interject here and say this:
IF YOU ARE ON THE EAST COAST, STOP FUCKING SPOILING
SHOWS FOR PEOPLE IN OTHER TIME ZONES!!!!
SHOWS FOR PEOPLE IN OTHER TIME ZONES!!!!
You see? I’m actually angry about that. Like, right now my fingers are clacking away harder and harder just thinking about not watching the final episode of DHW because some pretentious posh wanna be from South Jersey and her spoiler post. Thanks again, Bee-otch! When it comes down to it, this is not that big of a deal compared to all of the real drama in my life yet still, I can’t get over it. In fact, I removed 10 Twitter friends yesterday (who tend to spoil shows) in an attempt to not let it bug me so much.
Too Much, Too Little: Let it be known that I am fully aware of the fact that sometimes I talk wayyyy too much and other times I’m like a stone statue who rarely utters a word. Both of these things are caused by angsty emotions either of anxiety and uncertainty - not to mention; sleep deprivation, too much/not enough caffiene, or all of the above. When I am happy, I tend to talk too much because uh, I am actually excited to be happy. I also have a knack for interrupting and trying to finish people’s sentences for them. Yes, my whole family does this and I thought I was totally not like them at all. Pfffft, totally am. So yeah, it’s hard to be friends with a big mouth who randomly, without warning, shuts down leaving you to wonder what you did wrong. It’s not you, it’s me. No really.
Phew, geesh! Sorry this post is so freaking long! Apparently, I’m a hot mess with a side of extra mayonnaise. Who knew? Sometimes Chief tells me truths about myself as if I am going to hate him for saying them aloud. I think the first time he approached me with one of my character flaws, he started out the sentence with, "don’t take what I am about to say the wrong way or anything, but…..".
Haha, now we laugh about that and jokingly start sentences that way over stupid stuff just because we can. However, when you know someone well enough to talk to them about their faults, I guess at first you sort of have to do this little eggshell dance, but eventually if you truly are in love, you don’t even bother skirting around the issues….you just come out with them, discuss them, and move on.
