You Guessed It!

I’m pregnant everybody! Yay! Any day now, I’m going to have that enviable pregnancy glow, Victoria’s Secret model-status luxurious hair, be prancing about town in my 4″ stilettos, and showing off my sweet baby bump. Uhhh, wrong. Yes, being pregnant is wonderful and exciting and the thought of a little life growing inside of me is enough to make me want to cry at times… but I am definitely NOT the Jess 2.0 I had always envisioned. Here’s a little glimpse into a day of this little pregnant lady’s life…

Morning

Stumble out of bed after restless night’s sleep… managed to make it through another 8 hours of tossing and turning due to the most irritating form of cold/hot flashes I’ve ever experienced. Make up your mind, body! Do you want the three layers of blankets, or the tank top and panties? Frustrating, let me tell you. Not to mention the 17 trips to the bathroom to pee (I don’t remember drinking 50 gallons of water, thank you), where it takes on average, 3 full minutes to empty my bladder because it dribbles out SO FREAKING SLOWLY. TMI? Should I have given a disclaimer before trapping you into reading this? Well, I’m about to go into an in-depth anatomy discussion, so the weak have been warned.

Hop in the shower, take a look at my not-so-flat stomach and realize I can no longer see it as easily as I was once able to. I have these … things in the way. Since when do you blow up 2 full cup sizes in a month? Seriously. It wouldn’t be so bad if the thought of their post-deflation state wasn’t so terrifying… I have a feeling these babies have hit their peak and are on a downhill slope from here on out. This saddens me… I’m too young to sag!

Look in the mirror to see thin, limp, lackluster hair and a brand new patch of broken-out skin (topping off the lovely albino-ness that is consuming my face, since I haven’t allowed myself to tan since finding out).

Outfit choosing time… my favorite! Let’s see which of my tops makes me look least like a stuffed sausage. The one that I used to use as a lounge-around shirt because it was so big and comfortable? Fatty, for the win!

Breakfast… eww. May barf at the mere sight of eggs or the thought of milk. Off to the doctor.

Lunch

Four hours and exactly 83 trips to the bathroom later, the craving for fast food food sets in. YES, I can eat! … Uh, nevermind. Apparently the toilet enjoys double cheeseburgers as well.

Evening

Feeling good, feeling good. Was able to consume a MooLatte, 5000 calories worth of salt, and a chicken Snackwrap in one sitting without puking it up. Woman of steel, right here. A little CSI, some YouTube, & reading up on what variety of fruit my baby compares to today and I’m off to bed. And the cycle repeats.

I’m such a Debbie Downer, right? Gotta love these hormones. Well, at least from the ankles down I look stylish.