Dear Self,

I’m writing this to you imagining that in some indeterminate point in the future you are in a loving, committed, healthy relationship with a loving, affectionate, sane man.

If you are, congratulations. You have wanted this for so long and I’m thrilled for you. In fact, my heart just hurt a little by the sheer possibility that you are there right now. In some kind of parallel universe to my own. I imagine that you’re sitting, perhaps its next to a fire place, and you’re reading this and you’re looking up and there he is. You’re smiling at him simply because he’s there and its him and you found him and because you’re smiling he is coming over and he is giving you a peck on the lips and because you’re unaccustomed to affection for no reason, for no express purpose you are looking up at him quizzically and he is saying, ‘I just like it when you’re happy.”

If you’re there and if this is happening, then I want to remind you of something. There was this day– April 11th, 2010 – you believed that you would never, ever, ever find anyone that could care for you. You believed that you would always find men that saw you as a flawed woman whose sole purpose was to make their life difficult. You believed, on that day, that you were a irrevocably flawed woman and that your flaws would always stop men from giving you a chance. Because these flaws, these flaws kill the attraction. Kill the chemistry and you believed that you just can’t ever come back from that.

As you’re reading this now, I want you to remember that feeling. Feel it, taste it, smell it. Can you feel the pain in your chest? Can you feel the heaviness in your body? The resignation? The sadness? The anger that despite all your hard work at improving your flaws they still get in the way of making a meaningful connection? Do you remember all of that? I’m sure you do because you have a tendency to hold on to all those negative beliefs and experiences for as long as is humanely possible. But you may be living in your happy bubble right now believing that this relationship has changed you. So, I want you to remember that day. Remember those thoughts. Feel them. Are you there, in that moment where another man left you? Are you there, in that moment where you felt that your world had come to end? That it was all pointless?

Good.

Now I want you to release it.

Because deep down, I don’t care who this new man is. The one that is standing there, giving you the kisses that you need, whispering sweet nothings on the top of your damp hair. I mean obviously I care. But I don’t care care. I’m digressing. My point is that it doesn’t matter what this man thinks of you. (Although, he better think you’re the reason the sun shines.) The only thing that matters is what you believe about yourself. Don’t base your value and your worth and your self-esteem on the latest man’s opinion of you. No matter how much you love and respect and value him. All relationships will end. You, however, will go on alone.

So, I want you to remember (and can you–from the future–remind me the same thing from time to time) that you are a beautiful, vulnerable, strong, compassionate, witty, smart, thoughtful, talented, headstrong, emotional, sensual and kind woman who loves fiercely but lives quietly.

You are all those things; with or without a man. You are always all those things. That’s a constant. And that should comfort you.

I love you,

Your alter ego