Last week sometime, someone I hadn't spoken to in few days texted me. A part of me knew not to reply because of the way he eventually makes me feel. I was in a low spot. I felt like I needed a friend. So, I replied. It didn't take him long before he started acting the same: demanding things and saying things that I was uncomfortable with. I'm a people pleaser. I'm also quicker to see my own faults than someone else, so I didn't catch the red flag. I shrugged it off.
Prior to that day, I disclosed some personal information to him in trust. He turned this situation around on me, saying I was at fault for a situation where I was not to blame at all. Because I am usually quick to begin blaming myself once someone points it out, it had me completely overthinking everything, blaming myself for a situation where I was not to blame. I stopped replying to him because of how low he made me feel. I was already feeling pretty low and he made me feel even more low. All I could think about was how ridiculous I was to allow him back in. I stopped talking to him months ago for this very reason. Because I am always hoping for change, I take people at their word when they also appear to have changed. It's always been a toxic relationship/friendship between him and I. I hesitate to even call it any of that because it has never been either.
He continued to text me and I continued to ignore. Not out of spite but for my own emotional well-being. I guess he either hates rejection or has a deeper issue, because he soon began texting me saying, the most hateful mean things. Of course I'd disclosed some personal information to him about my true feelings about Bob... (aka Barefoot on the Beach) and he turned it around against me.
I already have trust issues. When I see that someone has ruined that trust, it's very difficult for me to trust them again. So, I was instantly crushed at seeing that he would stoop so low. It made me so angry. I rarely get angry with people anymore because I usually realize most people act out of hurt. But that was uncalled for. This man knows exactly how hateful his words are. And in fact, when I tried to eventually explain to him why it hurt me so bad, he turned the situation around on me again (as he usually does) about why it was my fault. I tried to explain (very calmly) why he upset me and why it was uncalled for & how dare he say such a things to me,
I finally decided enough was enough and I blocked him. I never, ever block anyone. I always give people a second, a third, a fourth, etc chance to prove themselves because I know we all have bad days. We all say stupid things. But this guy has never done any good for me. A month ago, I wouldn't have blocked him. I would have just left his message on "read" to let him know I read it and ignored him. It's what I did last time. But, I can't keep going back to someone who is so hateful, bitter, and rude to me. "That's the problem with putting others first; you've taught them you come second." I realized this as I blocked him. I had been allowing him to put himself first.
This season I am in right now has been a season of clarity. I've been able to recognize people more clearly as leeches: draining my energy. I love people and have a genuine heart for them but some people truly are leeches without even realizing it. I'm also an emotional person. So, when someone drains me of my emotions, it drains me of my energy. When people put me on this emotional roller coaster ride, it drains me. It frustrates me. This season has shown me that it's okay to focus on myself, to allow your mind and heart to rest. I don't owe the world anything.
So, this season I'm focusing more on me. It's just me.... for now.... or however long I decide.
At first, I was frantically lonely. Panicked. ,,,, Say it isn't so.
(COME BACK, PLEASE. I'M SORRY).
Now, I'm struggling with that sick to my stomach, mourning like, heartache & loss.
I no longer rush to my phone with that hope in my heart, that just by chance... it.might.be.him.... texting me.... missing me. I often catch my mind wandering off with him.. to our lavish hideaways, where for the night, he was my man,.. & I slept safely in his arns... for the nigh, at least.
I.WILL.GET.THROUGH.THIS.
Had I known that last night would be the last night,,,,
I would've kissed him longer, held him tighter.
I want the best for him, but I have to also want the best for me. I want to see and make sense of how I am and who I am. However, I'm learning that it doesn't always matter. I tell everyone to remember where you came from. Never forget your small, humble beginnings. But you don't always have to feel a tie to it, an obligation. I am my own person. I have to start over. I can't focus on the past anymore. As much as I love reflecting on the past, it's so vital for me to press on and move forward, to create my own future.
Don't live your life walking your journey while also looking behind you to make sure they are keeping up. [Sidenote: I don't want anyone to mistake this for me saying teamwork is not essential. A huge part of my love for people is my drive to make sure other people are on the right track.
However for too long, I endlessly tried to instill the drive for success inside of someone who had no apparent drive for success. Don't drain yourself trying to make them want a better life for themselves because then you'll be draining yourself of the energy you need to be successful. That's my point.]
Begin your own journey, not someone else's.
In saying all of this, suddenly I realize why I have become one of those people in your life that you're going to have to "ignore, mute, and block" for your own sanity. Don't feel guilty for doing it. Enough with the guilt. Sometimes you have to take ownership of responsibilities. Being responsible sometimes means simplifying your life by cutting off ties and deleting relationships from your life.
Yes, this hurts like hell.
I.HAVE.NEVER.NEEDED,YOU.LIKE.I NEED.YOU.NOW
It feels weird and awkward (and maybe even lonely for you too).
But perhaps a sense of freedom comes with it -
I understand. . .
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