My love language is Words of Affirmation. I think it's pretty obvious. When I first studied this years ago, I knew that was my main love language. I have a way with words. I love complimenting people who mean a lot to me. I love writing random notes. I love receiving random notes. I love hearing what I'm doing right.
A couple of months ago, I started looking at times I have felt the most hurt. Physical abuse never stung me as much as the pain of neglect. Physical abuse never hurt me as much as hearing "You're dead to me". The literal scars I have on the outside of my body never compare to the scars I have on my heart from the words that have been said to me. I know I talk about my past a lot. This is my blog. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. So, hop off if it annoys you. Doesn't offend me.
A lot of people have attacked me verbally lately. I think it's interesting because I've been through a lot already and the fact that they think they can get under my skin with certain words fascinates me. You think I haven't already been told half of the things that you're thinking? You think I haven't already thought the very things about myself that you're trying to say? As if I haven't already thought that before. I'm 41 and I'm still my worst enemy sometimes. I can honestly say that nothing anyone says will ever be worse than what I've told myself.
I am my worst enemy. This skin I am in is usually my worst nightmare. This brain that never stops thinking is annoying. I make stupid decisions daily. I do dumb things frequently. I say things (out loud sometimes) about myself that I wouldn't even say to the person I dislike the most. And I'm working on that. My heart is at a constant war. My anxiety has been elevated for a long time. I feel like I can't settle down. I feel like a bird that's trying to find a place to rest my feet and I can't. I keep pulling myself out of the mud just to step into deeper mud. I have family who are quicker to take the side of someone else before they attempt to understand me. I feel like it's just been me for most of my life. I've fought so many of my battles alone. And I'm tired.
I am self aware. So, if you see a fault of mine, chances are I saw the fault way before you did. Because of that, I try my best to remain humble. And because of that, I already know I'm not perfect. I have never said or even thought I was better than anyone else. If anything, I view myself as the worst of sinners. If anything, I cut others more slack than I cut for myself. I give other people more excuses than I give myself. I am so mean to me. I used to be such a bully to other people. But now, I'm just a big bully to myself. I feel a hurricane inside of my soul, a constant war of holding on and letting go.
There are so many hurting people. We are all fighting battles. We are all our worst enemy. A smiling face doesn't mean they are happy on the inside. Often, I smile the most when I'm hurting the most because I don't want to affect the mood of others around me. Be kind to all. We all have our own battles we're fighting that you don't even know about. Truly.
No comments:
Post a Comment