your 'one day' girl...

It feels like I am in mourning, a feeling I know all too well

 Every day trying to put the thoughts, habits, and memories of you behind me.

Time doesn't heal.

I just want to be able to find happiness again, to be able to get through a day without thinking of you. without feeling this emptiness. without the memories of days spent packing a bag, anticipating your arrival, and having you all to myself if only for a night combined with a few hours spent in the car to/from.... I never cared where we went...     I remember holding back tears when it was time to kiss you goodbye. 

You are a part of me - and you always will be. It is difficult to forget the people that make a difference in your life. It is even more difficult to forget someone who made you believe you were more of an idea,

but teased the possibility of being a reality.

That's the problem - it was a great idea...us. 

And honestly, you made me feel that it was more than that.

That I was more than just your "one day" girl or your "some-day' girl.

I wanted a normal relationship with you that I could look forward to.

I really wish you could have seen yourself the way I once saw you.  An intelligent, well read, well traveled, shy, quiet, strong, handsome man... with unending depth -  stories untold, plans unhad, dreams not shared, ideas not spoken...  I was sure that one day our love and my genuine curiosity would bring you out of your shell... I would be the one... the one to truly know you....  to see the excitement in your eyes confidently knowing that I was intrigued by your stories, impressed by your ideas/skills, & fascinated by your knowledge of the nerdy/historical/useless but interesting obscura.

 As time went on, it seemed as though there were less excuses and more of you actively taking part and making us into something real - (the wedding planner, what's your ring size? What do you think of this townhouse? Let's find you a car! C'mon).  All along you kept me thinking that working for us was worth it. I believed that someday the wait would be over & I wouldn't just be your 'one day' girl any longer.   That's is what I clung to. That is what I believed - that we would make it, and one day there we would be, sun on our skin, smiles on our faces, barefoot on the beach - I would no longer be the 'one day' girl, I would just be YOUR GIRL.

Somewhere along the line, while I was waiting for you to communicate, to be ready, to be honest, to follow through, to get to the same page...    I really gave it some thought...

Although 'one day' might seem like a great concept to others, it is no longer a great thing for me. I am done thinking that 'one day' you'll love me. Or one day I'll be able to call you something more than just "the man I spend my time with", or one day I can stop explaining complicated situations to my friends, One day I will wake up and you won't be the first thing I think about and I'll be able to go about my day without thinking about where you are, what you are doing.

one day I'll stop shooting down guys who I could actually create something with. 

Being your 'one day' means I will forever be part of your games.

We're adults - I stopped playing games a long time ago.   I am not up for anymore disappointment, manipulation, & broken promises - my heart gets hurt and I'm the one left with nothing.

You weren't even that good to me. You showed me a side of yourself I didn't particularly like...  I saw glimpses of smug, arrogant, superiority,   'no thanks, I don't want to see your bank balance'...  you were particularly cheap when it came to me, but I do appreciate the $9. you threw down on my new phone. You never kept your promises. I made excuses for you. I defended your selfishness.

In a perfect world I'd be able to shut it off, just like you.

I'd quickly accept that you're a spoiled brat & I was merely a novelty item...

cheap & convenient...

So take your "one day", take your lies, - and shove it.